Fragments of Purpose

Do this. Don't do that. Don't wear that dress. Don't wear perfume. You can't go for trips. Do,don't, do, don't, do, don't. Growing up, I always thought of Islam as a set of rules and regulations, this box you draw around yourself, so that it would get you a ticket to heaven. But as I grew older, the box started suffocating me, resentment started crawling into my heart. If everything was just a set of do's and don'ts, why was I created as a human being and not an angel?

    I was always told that Allah (swt) created the humans and jinns with free will, and the angels do whatever that is commanded of them. It didn't make sense that He would create a human being with desires, and expect him/her to give them all up and restrict themselves to the box or else they'd end up in Hell. Why would God create in such a way? Why would God put us in that situation? Why would He create us, take our memory of Him away from us, and expect us to comply with this set of rules and regulations, to get to heaven? What was so merciful about that?

    Sometimes the answers arrive in the weirdest twists and turns life takes us, sometimes through pain and grief, through hopelessness and exhaustion, when everything seems like nothing but fog, and there's no way out and you're just tired, tired of hoping that there's a way out, tired of trying.                         

    And it's when you break apart, that you realize, that Allah (swt) never created the human being to obey orders. He created us for something higher. I often wondered why would Allah (swt) order the angels to prostrate to Adam (as), why would we accept the burden of coming to Earth for this test when we could have been so much better as a rock, or a mountain, or the soil that people step on.

    But when life rattles you, and you can barely hold onto faith, when you think maybe I'd be better off if I wasn't so attached to this. I wouldn't feel so torn apart if I hadn't believed in Islam. Perhaps then I'd be happier, I wouldn't feel so bad for making decisions that are haram but seem happy. Maybe it's because that's all I know, Islam is all I know, and perhaps if that wasn't the case, I wouldn't be so confused about holding on to it.

    The doubts settle in, and there is a pain, the feeling of being torn apart between your desires and what Allah has commanded. And through the pain, you beg God everyday, to grant you relief, to grant you the gift, but the relief never comes as months and years pass by, the heart grows tired, tired of hoping, tired of asking, and it becomes painful to ask, because to ask means to hope, and to hope brings more pain when disappointed.

"I did not create jinn and humans except to worship Me." 51:56

    And it is then that you realize, that Allah created human beings to worship Him, but in a different way, not out of compulsion, not because you have to even though He is the only one worthy of it, but out of love. And love is painful, consuming, comforting, and beautiful. It's about choosing Him in every decision, in every choice, over everything and everyone else. It's about turning back to Him again and again, because you're afraid of losing Him, and you don't know how to live without Him, it's about dragging your feet to prayer even when it feels like dragging yourself through fire in moments of sabr, when your mind tries to tell you "I do not want to pray to a Lord who doesn't respond."

    And perhaps that is why out of our own desires to be closer to Him, that we accepted this burden, the burden of the test of this world. If it could mean, that we would be loved more by Him, and the desire to love Him through it all.

" We offered Our Trust (Our deputation) to the heavens, to the earth, and to the mountains, but they could not bear this burden and were afraid to accept it. Mankind was able to accept this offer but he was unjust to himself and ignorant of the significance of this Trust." 33:72