The Wait that Screams II

 

Something changes as you are hammered into pieces again and again. To pick up the broken pieces after each disappointment or fall,sometimes makes the heart more empty.

But things change when you reach the threshold of what you can bear. I've always heard, "Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear." As life's falls break you multiple times, to a point that it exhausts you and the pain becomes unbearable to an extent that it renders you immobile, with the thought I can't do this anymore. I'm too tired. I've reached my limit. And as the tears seep through the prayer mat in salah, somehow as you get up, you find yourself pieced together,almost perfectly,  yes there is a memory of the scar, but it's not like just roughly placing the broken pieces together but rather a healed set of broken pieces -new with a new kind of strength. And with that you tred on with life.

I guess that's the stage when hope felt crushed, that perhaps you'd never get what you ask for, the exhaustion, the pain, the shame, the begging, the disappointment, of repeating the same dua. Somewhere along the way, another event breaks you and it frees you from it. Acceptance quietly creeps in now, it's okay if I get it, it's okay if I don't. I have no control over things and I've exhausted all means. Even if I don't get it, somehow God will give me the strength to move on. Whatever He decrees, it's out of mercy, and it's always the best even if you can't see it.

But for some reason, even though your heart is more firm, there are days when a sudden pang of sadness hits you, and as that wave crashes, your feet wobbles, and you remember the gravity of it all. The gravity of how impossible the dua seems, it creaks open small cracks in your healed parts and you remind yourself " It's a test. Be patient. Be patient." And you quietly close the holes and quiet down the deep sighs of what seems never-ending, reminding yourself that your Lord is the Most-Merciful and His plan is flawless, even if all you see is fog and no doors.