Yusraa

 After every broken proposal, with people that came with different intentions than what I was expecting, I lost hope. I was on the verge of giving up, it seemed impossible that someone like me would find a man like what I was searching for. It seemed too delusional but I kept asking Allah (swt), to allow me to witness the resurrection of the birds, the same way He allowed Ibrahim (as) to. To witness what I asked for, in my reality, so that my heart may rest in peace and increase in yaqeen.  Whispering in tahajjud, in the middle of the night, while traveling to work and back home, all the characteristics that I would like him to have. I kept making dua even for the tiniest things and when I thought it was all over, a proposal came.      I wasn't convinced of it, but I spoke to him on the phone first, I was scared,nervous, thought it'd be awkward, but he started speaking, his nervousness evident too in his laughs. He went on about himself, a lot about his work and...

 I think there are phases in waiting .The first being one with lots of pain and the desire pulling us, "I want it. I want to have it. I need it." It's the time when you breakdown when each door closes, where you try vigorously, all that you can in your power. It's the phase that is filled with deep pain, heartbreaks but also the inability to lose hope. Phase 2 is kinda different. You get used to it. You get used to the situation not changing, you still try your best  but you understand now that you have absolutely no control, so the rejections and failures leave you unfazed. You just keep moving, sometimes the exhaustion wears you out after a period of time, but you still want it and you believe it will be given to you. Every time you see someone else with it, or a post about it, you flinch. You wait for relief because even though you are patient, the days are long and nights are endless.   Phase 3 is a weird phase. By this time, you don't care anymore. The desire...

 There are times that makes us realize that every story in the Quran isn't just  story. There were times when I used to think it's weird that the Quran always have the stories in bits and pieces, and not in continuation. Why would the Best Author write it that way? It didn't really make sense. And there are times when some details are just left out, like for how many people actually slept in the cave in Surah Al-Kahf. It's as though Allah tells us that those aren't important, the point of the story was something else.  As you grow older, you kinda realize that the stories aren't just stories, it's real life. Every character is real, and every Prophet(as) was a reference and every character, they encountered are people you will encounter. And every bits and pieces of their lives that were mentioned, are the incidents that we will encounter in our lives too, in just different ways, but the core of it is the same. When Ibrahim(as) understood that God can't ...

How amazing it is to have a protector, someone who shields you, someone who knows you better than yourself, someone who loves you, someone who manages all your affairs,takes care of you, embraces you, someone who listens to your rambles everyday, someone who does things for you in ways you didn't imagine and when you look at how they've been there all along with you, you feel their warm hug. That's mercy. Mercy that holds you while your broken, which sends people, things to remind you. Mercy that embraces you and tells you to trust. Mercy even though you were ungrateful.  I didn't really get it the first time my teacher said, "Perhaps you don't have faith, because you don't see Him. Whereas I see Him everywhere, in very nook and corner of my life, even when my cookies turn out right."  But as every situation unfolded with me praying istikhara, I started to see Him too. Everywhere. In every text I received, every call, every person I met, the most silli...

  Something changes as you are hammered into pieces again and again. To pick up the broken pieces after each disappointment or fall,sometimes makes the heart more empty. But things change when you reach the threshold of what you can bear. I've always heard, " Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear. " As life's falls break you multiple times, to a point that it exhausts you and the pain becomes unbearable to an extent that it renders you immobile, with the thought I can't do this anymore. I'm too tired. I've reached my limit.  And as the tears seep through the prayer mat in salah, somehow as you get up, you find yourself pieced together,almost perfectly,  yes there is a memory of the scar, but it's not like just roughly placing the broken pieces together but rather a healed set of broken pieces -new with a new kind of strength. And with that you tred on with life. I guess that's the stage when hope felt crushed, that perhaps you'd ...

     There are times when it feels like a burnt iron rod is being driven into your soul. And from its fire, parts of the soul withers away. And you can witness the remnants fading into ashes. You barely heal before another rod gets driven into you and it repeats again and again, sometimes you cry out, it never escapes and it doesn't stop burning. As the fire spreads and burns your soul, you drag your feet to salah. It sounds so bitter when you call upon God, it tastes like you're being made to eat mud and be thankful. There's an angry voice at the back of your mind, which keeps telling " If He was that Merciful, He'd have spared me the pain, at least granted me death, He doesn't hear me. I called upon Him day and night to be only met with a deafening silence." And the mind tells you it's hopeless, it's not real when your heart still prays for miracles. And through those moments that break us, and from the deafening silence, you kind of understand p...