The Miracle

 After every broken proposal, with people that came with different intentions than what I was expecting, I lost hope. I was on the verge of giving up, it seemed impossible that someone like me would find a man like what I was searching for. It seemed too delusional but I kept asking Allah (swt), to allow me to witness the resurrection of the birds, the same way He allowed Ibrahim (as) to. To witness what I asked for, in my reality, so that my heart may rest in peace and increase in yaqeen.

 Whispering in tahajjud, in the middle of the night, while traveling to work and back home, all the characteristics that I would like him to have. I kept making dua even for the tiniest things and when I thought it was all over, a proposal came.

    I wasn't convinced of it, but I spoke to him on the phone first, I was scared,nervous, thought it'd be awkward, but he started speaking, his nervousness evident too in his laughs. He went on about himself, a lot about his work and asked what I do too,and he asked me things about myself and I asked him the set of questions I asked other men before. He laughed with surprise at one of them, and even questioned its logic, he was the first one to do so. I explained and he listened deeply, there was a slight fear in him and I assured him I'd support when he needs me, and he stepped up with the little fear in his heart, saying I'll take responsibility and that settled my heart. A kind of peace that I hadn't felt with any man before. For the first time I felt heard and seen. 

He did ask for my social media account too respectfully,if you'd be willing.  I doubted his intentions and I said no, it's too early and it'd be haram. And he stepped back, saying "yeah it make sense". The call ended and I was debating myself over the social media account. His dad called back within 5minutes, saying that they were willing to proceed. I had to go to my Quran teacher and get her opinion before saying a yes.

     A week passed by, and I met him and his family. I knew he'd come along, it was the first time, I was nervous, I kept making dua to Allah(swt), "Rabbi inni lima anzalta illaya min khairin faqir". It was always "Rabbi anta maghlooban fantasir" before and with him it was different. I walked out of the room and my heart dropped when I saw them at first, the hijab wasn't followed very strictly and my gut told me perhaps this isn't the one. But I went ahead, and amidst the conversations between our families I saw in him, the traits I was begging Allah(swt) for in every tahajjud. The way he didn't allow myself to belittle my own achievements. The way his eyes held admiration and respect. The way he did things respectfully and all I saw was beauty. 

    We spoke again, this time he kept asking about the pace of things how they'd proceed, asking me if there was any way to delay it,to slow it down, don't you think it's moving too fast, don't you want to explore a bit more, are you sure with just two meets? And I said "Yeah I'm okay. "And he blushed, looking away, his head down smiling. And he asked, "Don't you want to focus on your career for awhile,are you okay with getting married now?" I was confused by it all, it almost sounded like pleas and I said "I'm okay now.". And that was the end. He asked if we could go back to our families and we did. The discussion went for awhile. He defended my insecurities.

I kept thanking Allah swt, It was beautiful and I was left in awe. I kept telling Allah, I didn't have the capacity to hold it, it was too strong so help me. I had made my decision and prayed istikhara and said yes. But he said no. He said the "frequencies didn't match." My heart broke, but it was the first time it was in peace, whereas the pain and grief stayed, my heart knew what Allah did was for the best. What I saw in him was what Allah wanted me to see, to let me know that He heard me all this time. Allah chooses the means and He is the giver. 

But for some reason, my heart refused to accept that he didn't like me, that it was just me who felt the intensity of it all, that he was not serious about marriage. For some reason, I kept making dua for him from the day he left, it was because of the beautiful miracle I had witnessed, that I thought was impossible in my reality. I kept making dua that "Ya Rabb forgive him. Drag him towards you. He's too far away so make him closer to You. You know the truth of the moment and you know what I saw in him that day. If he is good, and if he genuinely had feelings for me, ya Rabb unite us both after pulling him closer to you." And I asked it repeatedly, a memory of that day would make me cry so much, because of that which I had experienced, that the miracle wasn't mine to hold. My mom used to keep telling me that he isn't worth it and that he did not have marriage as intention. But I knew that wasn't true, he wouldn't have brought his family nor would he have asked if I can delay the marriage a bit. My dua persisted for 2 months, and through those 2 months, my understanding of the event deepened, and for the first time after 2 months, I understood it. He wasn't ready for marriage and neither was I. 

I had attached myself too easily to him and did not know how to love without attachment and he was not ready to lead. That meeting triggered it all for him, where he felt the weight of responsibility and the weight of marriage weighing on him, and when he felt he wasn't in the state to lead yet, he asked all the questions related to timeline. Had we both said yes, it would have collapsed. Allah used us both as mirrors to activate it all. That when you meet your ideal partner, the triggers get activated, and you see where you lack. And that's what happened that day. I still make dua for him but without any attachment and I know it is Allah  who is in control of things and He does that which is the best.